I had a long day at work today. I was up at 4am so that I could be at a seminar in Milwaukee. My coworker and I got back around 3:30 and then I had to meet with my boss for the semi-annual performance review.
Much to my surprise, I received compliments and some constructive advice in regards to joining service organizations within the community. The goal for the year is to increase my billable hours -- something I've mentioned in my reviews for the past 10 years. It would be great if that happens.
After my review, I had to contact the hospital in regards to my surgery time. I was a bit concerned because I couldn't get hold of the scheduling agent and it was almost 5pm by the time I called.
I ended up staying late due to client work that came in while I was out of the office. As I sat there doing it, I started getting emotional thinking about the surgery tomorrow. And the fact that I have no one to take care of me. It's my first surgery and I am afraid. Anxiety was at an all time high. I think what set it all off was finding out that my sister is not going to be at the hospital with me. She's going to drop me off and then pick me up after she gets off work.
I didn't know my coworker was in the office. Before she left, she gave me a hug and told me she would be thinking about me. I was very, very touched and the timing couldn't have been more perfect.
Oct 31, 2007
Another Day Goes By
Tomorrow is the big day. My first surgery. I am having my tonsils removed. Hopefully, this will improve my health. I am a bit nervous, being my first time and all.
I would thank all of you that read my blog regularly. It's come to my attention once again that there are several of you that thoroughly enjoy my blog and are regular readers. :)
I also want to say that I appreciate all the comments and support via private emails I've gotten over the past several days in regards to my situation with S. Seeing as he won't talk to me face-to-face or even on the telephone, I wrote him an email with my thoughts about conflict in regards to how it's affected my life, how I perceived our relationship up to this point, and what I wanted out of a relationship. By the response I received, my guess is that he does not want to work things out. I poured my thoughts and feelings out in a long letter, his response was two sentences. Basically he said my blog entry was harsh (which IMO is simply an account of the events as they unfolded) and then he asked: Do you have multiple personalities?
I feel I did not do/write anything to warrant such a statement. I don't always express myself as well as I should sometimes (but aren't we all like that?), but I am honest as to who I am and how I feel. I am still in shock as to how someone I've shared the the last 10 months of my life with can be such a... I don't know. I could understand if it we'd been arguing/fighting for 6 months, but we haven't. I still feel sad, hurt, disrespected, frustrated, as well as a myriad of other emotions. With that said, S has been an important part of my life and shared in two huge milestones/dreams of mine. I appreciate the things he has done for me and with me. Regardless of whether we work things out or not, I will have the memeories and no one can take those from me. I feel I have done my best to open the lines of communication... I can't do more than that.
I actually slept better last night. I don't know if it was out of shear exhaustion, or if it was due to my getting some clarity of the situation at hand.
I would thank all of you that read my blog regularly. It's come to my attention once again that there are several of you that thoroughly enjoy my blog and are regular readers. :)
I also want to say that I appreciate all the comments and support via private emails I've gotten over the past several days in regards to my situation with S. Seeing as he won't talk to me face-to-face or even on the telephone, I wrote him an email with my thoughts about conflict in regards to how it's affected my life, how I perceived our relationship up to this point, and what I wanted out of a relationship. By the response I received, my guess is that he does not want to work things out. I poured my thoughts and feelings out in a long letter, his response was two sentences. Basically he said my blog entry was harsh (which IMO is simply an account of the events as they unfolded) and then he asked: Do you have multiple personalities?
I feel I did not do/write anything to warrant such a statement. I don't always express myself as well as I should sometimes (but aren't we all like that?), but I am honest as to who I am and how I feel. I am still in shock as to how someone I've shared the the last 10 months of my life with can be such a... I don't know. I could understand if it we'd been arguing/fighting for 6 months, but we haven't. I still feel sad, hurt, disrespected, frustrated, as well as a myriad of other emotions. With that said, S has been an important part of my life and shared in two huge milestones/dreams of mine. I appreciate the things he has done for me and with me. Regardless of whether we work things out or not, I will have the memeories and no one can take those from me. I feel I have done my best to open the lines of communication... I can't do more than that.
I actually slept better last night. I don't know if it was out of shear exhaustion, or if it was due to my getting some clarity of the situation at hand.
Oct 30, 2007
Thoughts To Ponder
The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.
The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.
We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.
Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.
One thing you can give and still keep... is your word.
A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.
The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.
We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.
Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.
One thing you can give and still keep... is your word.
A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.
Life...
Last night when I got home from work, I changed the oil in my car. I really miss having a man to do the "guy" things. My ex-H used to do all that stuff. I've impressed the neighbors to the north with my ability to change oil. Not sure what to make of them yet (They seem to yell a lot at each other, or the kids).
I received the phone call from the anesthesia dept last night, too. One of the things she asked was how much I weighed. I stepped on the scale to find somewhere along the way I've lost 15lbs! An interesting bit of trivia... at least to me... It turns out I went to the same high school as the nurse who was taking down my medical history. I graduated with her brother. Two more days until surgery.
I was in a fairly decent mood yesterday. I finally got rid of the migraine/tension headache that I've had since last Wed night. I still am not sleeping very well, nor do I feel much like eating. Today, I am feeling depressed again.
This morning, I text messaged S and told him I deserved to know whether he wanted to be a couple or not. If not, I needed closure to move on. His response: "I don't know yet." It's been 6 days since we've talked. Is it me, or does this seem like game playing? We are both in our late 30's... Too old for this kind of behavior.
I care about him, but this is not how I feel problems should be dealt with.
I received the phone call from the anesthesia dept last night, too. One of the things she asked was how much I weighed. I stepped on the scale to find somewhere along the way I've lost 15lbs! An interesting bit of trivia... at least to me... It turns out I went to the same high school as the nurse who was taking down my medical history. I graduated with her brother. Two more days until surgery.
I was in a fairly decent mood yesterday. I finally got rid of the migraine/tension headache that I've had since last Wed night. I still am not sleeping very well, nor do I feel much like eating. Today, I am feeling depressed again.
This morning, I text messaged S and told him I deserved to know whether he wanted to be a couple or not. If not, I needed closure to move on. His response: "I don't know yet." It's been 6 days since we've talked. Is it me, or does this seem like game playing? We are both in our late 30's... Too old for this kind of behavior.
I care about him, but this is not how I feel problems should be dealt with.
Oct 29, 2007
What Else?
As if skunks and relationship problems weren’t enough, I received notification that my chiropractic benefits have been used up for this year. I’ve gone to the chiro 3 times since the benefits have expired! Yikes. That’s $200 I don’t have right now. My arm isn’t totally better yet and the doc wanted me to come once a week. Since I don’t have insurance, we’ve extended it to 3 weeks until next year. Hopefully, that will get me by.
I had my pre-op physical and lab work done last week. It seems I’m healthy for surgery on Thursday. It’s my first surgery and I’m a bit nervous. It doesn’t help that when I tell everyone one that I’m having my tonsils out, they all have “horror” stories.
On top of that, I’ve had migraines since Wed and cramps started yesterday. (I know... TMI) Usually, I take Midol to take the edge off but with surgery coming up I can’t take anything. I’ve never not taken anything because it’s just too painful. Since I can't take anything right now, I’ve been miserable and suffering through.
Suffice it to say the past week was not a good week.
I woke up this morning telling myself “Today is going to be a good day. Today is going to be a good day.” Before even opening my eyes and getting out of bed. During my shower, I thought about several things I am grateful for. I picked out a nice outfit for work and made special effort with my makeup. I figured if I gave myself some positive self-talk and I looked really good, my spirits would be lifted.
I had my pre-op physical and lab work done last week. It seems I’m healthy for surgery on Thursday. It’s my first surgery and I’m a bit nervous. It doesn’t help that when I tell everyone one that I’m having my tonsils out, they all have “horror” stories.
On top of that, I’ve had migraines since Wed and cramps started yesterday. (I know... TMI) Usually, I take Midol to take the edge off but with surgery coming up I can’t take anything. I’ve never not taken anything because it’s just too painful. Since I can't take anything right now, I’ve been miserable and suffering through.
Suffice it to say the past week was not a good week.
I woke up this morning telling myself “Today is going to be a good day. Today is going to be a good day.” Before even opening my eyes and getting out of bed. During my shower, I thought about several things I am grateful for. I picked out a nice outfit for work and made special effort with my makeup. I figured if I gave myself some positive self-talk and I looked really good, my spirits would be lifted.
