Diary of a Snow Shoveler

I can totally relate to the following!


December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and I stood by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. I love snow!

December 9
I woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Shoveled for the first time since I was a kid… and didn’t know it was actually work. This afternoon, the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's my neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
Twenty inches forecasted for today. Sold my car and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. Maybe I should stock up on wood for the fireplace in case the electricity goes out. That's silly. I’m not in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Guess I should've stocked up on wood. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a snow blower, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 degrees.

December 24
6 inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight I thought about singing Christmas carols and opening some gifts, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! Twenty more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. Do I have a bad attitude? If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to throw the TV out the window.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here?

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in.

December 29
Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars -- not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. 9 inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little blue pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?